What is Courage?

I was driving through Long Island today and had such an interesting experience. I was going to a very high-end spa that had a collection of my singing bowls there on consignment. They hadn’t sold any in a long time and hadn’t kept a good record of what they had sold, so I was going there to see what bowls they had left and get it all straightened out.

So, I was driving along and began feeling very strongly that this was a place I did not belong, that I was an outsider. I was quite overcome with the sensation and I also became aware of the familiarity of it, going all the way back to the terror of my first day of kindergarten and all the years in elementary school when I didn’t “fit in”. I thought about how much fear I had had growing up and all the things I didn’t do because I was too afraid- that I would be laughed at, that I would fail. Not applying for art school, A) because if I did a portfolio they would see that I couldn’t draw and B) because I was afraid to get on a plane to fly wherever I might have to go to visit. Blindly diving into relationships because I was afraid of being alone, relationships which were doomed from the start because they were only a reflection of my own codependence and fear.

Drinking and drugging actually helped me plow through some of those fears at times in my life- but of course they had unfortunate and disastrous effects in other ways as I then threw all caution to the wind. But my early life was pretty much ruled by my fears. Every decision I made, or didn’t make, was born out of fear for a very long time.

I’ve thought a lot about this lately because I did eventually come to find my power. I came to find my center. I found much of my inner strength and connection through sound healing practices that I have discovered along the way- particularly those that helped me to access my voice. I also have made choices in more recent years that caused me ultimately to be alone. It hit me recently that one of the gifts of that, unbeknownst to me at the time, was that I learned that I could move forward and be strong and creative and successful on my own- that I was actually quite capable of taking care of myself.

Today my experience of myself is that I am a strong and powerful person and I love who I see when I look in the mirror. When I am unsure on some level, I am able to ask for help and not hide my fear or doubts. It hit me today that courage is not something we are necessarily born with. I certainly wasn’t. I think I have always believed that courage was an innate quality in certain more fortunate people. But today I realized that real courage is being able to accept and acknowledge our fears and to keep moving forward in spite of them, not to be held hostage by them.

Swells in the Ocean of Emotion

It’s one of those days… a beautiful sunny Sunday, warm in my house, sun pouring through the window into my living room. It’s a day for lighting candles, smudging, burning incense, taking in the purifying scent of Agua de Florida and palo santo- a day for cleansing and purifying. I am feeling quiet and vulnerable- in a good way. I had a dream about my brother Tim last night, and two nights before that as well. Somewhat randomly yesterday I came across a series of emails that we had shared during the period of time when our mother passed almost ten years ago on various topics.

I am feeling him close by today, as well as the presence of other dear ones who also passed in recent years- my beloved Henry, my eldest sister Jenny who died just two days after him, dear friends Shin Ae and Amber who both were gone way too soon- two young, powerful, brave, extraordinary women- both of whom had a huge impact on my life. And of course my parents- my mother, and my father who passed 40 years ago this May.

I cam across this beautiful poem when I opened Facebook today- written by my friend Peter Blum in memory of some of his own tribe. It spoke to me through my tears- good tears, memories of sweetness and love- and I share it with you.

December Dream
Around me the dead have risen
Look! Their parachutes of hope
open
in just the right places
Umbrellas, balloons, feathers, clouds
multitudes of curious transport
pull them through the night
with just the right traces
Resurrected memories of nameless
timeless ancestral entities
Chills of premonition.
My heart beats faster
I cannot quite make out
the faces.
-Peter Blum-

Henry’s warm smile…

At Mum’s 90th birthday with my two siblings, Jenny and Tim- November 2, 2011.

Mum, showing off the hat she had just decorated!

Radiant Shin Ae…

World In Changes... You Gotta Keep Dancing!

My brother Tim passed away on March 18, 2022 due to the seemingly ever-present virus that has been around for the past two-plus years. He was seven years older than me. Simply put, it sucks. His beautiful wife, two brave and brilliant daughters and four young grandchildren left behind. Plus four younger siblings… and a huge posse of people who loved his boundless energy and positivity.

The greatest connection that he and I shared was our love of music. Throughout my teen years I have a memory of being in our father’s house in Newport or at Horn Corner, the communal house Tim lived in up in Vermont- and I would hear his voice…. “Hey Rosie- come in here! You gotta hear this!” A new artist, a new song and he would point out the words or a harmony or a particular instrument or just some beautiful subtlety in the arrangement. He loved good harmonies- he loved the Beach Boys! I always remember the first time he played the Rolling Stones song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” for me and telling me that it was The London Boys Choir- a choir of all young boys. He was so taken by those beautiful voices. In fact (I only just found out when I googled it) it turns out that it was actually The London Bach choir… but regardless. It was a moment in time and in history- both my personal history and the history of rock and roll.

”It should be known the London Bach Choir, the original choir hired by The Rolling Stones for "You Can't Always Get What You Want," was anyone (men and women) aged 18 and over, contrary to popular opinion (for years) that the voices of the choir was all young boys.” (Steve Hoffman Music Forum)

Over the past few weeks I have been compiling a playlist on Spotify of some of the music that Tim turned me onto, with some help from my siblings. On different days different tunes get stuck in my head. This one is in there a lot.

He also loved to dance. A few years ago we were talking and I said I hadn’t been dancing in ages and how much I missed it. He said, “Rosie! You gotta keep dancing! You have to dance at least a half hour every day! Put on some music and dance in your living room- I dance every day!”

Today I got an email from Chuck Prophet, a great musician, who is going through some health challenges. I thought about what I could do to send him some uplifting energy and decided that the best thing I could do was to put some of his music on and dance. I didn’t ever get to share this song with Tim but I have a feeling he would have loved it. For me, it is for sure on my top ten list of favorite songs ever recorded- and it’s great to dance to so turn your speakers up! From now on I will always think of my brother Tim when I dance- and I am making a point to dance a lot more.

Cloudless

I woke up this morning and this song was the first thing that came into my head. Kind of surprising, because in truth- at least truth with a small “t”- there have been quite a few clouds obscuring the blue sky lately. I had an attack of appendicitis last week and had an emergency appendectomy and there is the situation with a seriously ill family member we are all praying for. And of course there is the war in Ukraine

On the brighter side and balancing some of the harder stuff, my second to oldest son Moose and his wife had two identical baby girls on December 26 and I have a new love that has had me preoccupied in a wonderful way, at least prior to the health crisis of the past week. The twin girls were about 6 weeks early but they are home with their parents now, super healthy and growing fast!

In regard to this video, the music was used at the end of the movie Rabbit-Proof Fence- it is a powerful and triumphant ending to the long and painful story of three young Aboriginal girls who were taken from their home in the Australian outback and placed in a settlement 2400 km away. They escaped from the settlement and made their way back home by following a rabbit-proof fence which spans over 1000 miles. The film illustrates what was a common practice between 1905-1967 of removing Aboriginal children from their family homes who were the children of one white and one Aboriginal parent and sending them away. The idea was that once they were separated from their families of origin they would eventually marry whites and over generations their Aboriginal blood would “diminish”.

The clips in this particular video are all from Gregory Colbert’s beautiful film Ashes and Snow.

Creativity- I AM Processing the Process

About 3 weeks ago I ordered Seth Godin’s latest book The Practice: Shipping Creative Work. Subsequently I ordered a copy for my son Benjamin and the following week for my son Namdev as we decided to join together in our own private familial motivational group. I talked about this in my last post.

I AM= Inspiration, Aspirations and Motivation. Since I am somewhat the ringleader for this little brainstorming group I definitely need to see the places where I fall short of really stepping up to- and into- what is available to me, in terms of my own work, my own creativity, my own process. Now that all three of us have the book I have no excuses but to start reading it- which I did late this afternoon.

I have certain ideas about how I want to move forward with my work but they require a serious amount of rethinking my approach in this time of Covid- and the fact is I have done plenty of rethinking and come up with what I believe to be some good ideas. So what is holding me back? Why haven’t I moved forward on more of my ideas?

One thing I am becoming aware of is that it is easier to be accountable to another person than it is to myself. If someone else asks me to do a Sound Journey or teach a workshop I am there. When I have an actual space to work out of where physical bodies are going to show up, that too is very inviting to me. To show up online feels very raw- somehow it’s as if the bodies create a buffer or a sense of safety. How do I move past that? Just do it- differently. Putting off writing a blog post because suddenly my computer won’t charge? (Yes, that is my current situation.) Too bad! Write it on your phone. Okay, I AM.

Being accountable to one’s own self- that seems to be a big part of the challenge. Hence the I AM Group- and I get to help somebody else while I’m helping myself.

Feelin' Good

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life- and it’s a new year! And I AM feelin’ good!

So much to celebrate, so much to be grateful for.

My new year always starts off on January 9. January 8 is my birthday and, for me, the culmination of the holiday season. My final sweet treat- always the best carrot cake I can find- which for the past two years has been my own- far healthier than whatever I can get “out there” and absolutely killer! This year I didn’t have my cake until January 10th because my actual birthday was so full. and I didn’t have time to bake it until the next evening- by which time it was too late to eat it! On the day of, I did a sound journey via Zoom which was attended by about 35 people- what a wonderful way to celebrate! Not my plan- it was hosted by my friend Rose Russo who runs a yoga group for cancer survivors. It just “happened” to land on my birthday. Friends from near and far- even one whom I had not seen since I was 17! What a treat- so wonderful.

Meanwhile I AM doing my best to get down to business, to think about what I want to create and what I want to regenerate in this bright new year. My intention is to set reasonable goals- enlightenment can wait… but occasionally withdrawing my attention from the objects of my experience and relaxing gently into the awareness of I AM no longer seems impossible.

I am reading Rupert Spira’s book Being Myself and feel like I am beginning to understand (which reminds me of another song). A water molecule cannot separate itself from the water and look at the ocean. It can only relax into the experience of being the ocean. It can look at the little fishes and the big fishes and the coral and the plankton and the sunlight coming through the water and all of the wonders that present themselves but it is one with the water. It cannot actually look back at its Self- it can only rest in the fullness of the experience of Being. And so it is.

I am posting another video here- the Moody Blues Melancholy Man- which sounds like it might be gloomy - but in fact I feel like it is so full of hope. This is a great live version of the song. I believe it was from a concert on the Isle of Wight.
“All the world astounds me and I think I understand
That we’re going to keep growing, wait and see.”

I AM... Happy New Year

I can’t believe I haven’t written a blog post since August! Well, it’s a new year and here I am again. My son Benjamin and I had a sort of brainstorming session today to see how we could inspire and and motivate each other to move forward on some things we both want to accomplish. We have started a group called I AM- Inspiration, Aspirations, and Motivation. We each committed to a 30-day trial period and we will check in with each other once a week via Zoom to see how the other is progressing. My main focus is to work on a book on sound healing I started writing years ago and his is to get a couple of papers completed that he has been working on for a very long time.

One of the other things I wanted to do was to get back to my blog. We are going to read Seth Godin’s book The Practice: Shipping Creative Work together and I am committed to writing a blog post once a day.

I’m done for today. It’s a start.

I AM grateful.